My Future Thanksgiving Day Speech

by Sonny Bunch on November 22, 2012

Were you poor fools ever to suffer under the Presidency of Sonny Bunch, this is the speech I would give on live television during the annual “turkey pardoning” event:

My wife wishes me to pardon this turkey and let it join the Turkey’s Watch. Eternally free from being eaten, it would live out its days serving the kingdom as a signal of America’s forgiving nature. She has begged mercy for this bird.

But she has the soft heart of women. So long as I am your president, turkeys shall never go uneaten. Sir Cheney: BRING ME HIS HEAD.

(Joffrey’s a little twerp, but he wasn’t always wrong.)

Happy thanksgiving!

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